Clarification about commanding all living things.

Today, someone emailed me a semi-intelligent question.  Here it is:

If you command all living things, then how come I've never heard of you?
- Alan from MN

The fact is, Alan from MN, that having godlike authority over all lifeforms does not allow one to micromanage.  I don't know the intimate details of every individual blade of grass, baobab tree, llama, gnat, or human on this world you call Earth.  This galaxy is rife with planets with lifeforms--a few have even more variety than yours--and that would be an awful lot to keep track of, even for a being as close to omniscient as myself.  I manage things at the upper level only.  I delegate.  If I decide that a certain lifeform should a do a particular thing, I send one of my Torth minions to threaten it with death, or otherwise put pressure on it by threatening its children or mate, or I'll simply to kill it.  My power is my authority.  That is why I am the Commander of All Living Things.

When the Torth Majority decides to enslave every human on Earth, I will command the operation.  When that happens . . . you still will never have heard of me.  I will command your enslavement, and I could do whatever I wanted with you, then: I could consign you to a breeding farm, or put you among my personal slaves, or assign you to toil in hard physical labor until you die of exhaustion.  But I don't care if you never meet me in person or hear my title spoken out loud.  Fame is unnecessary for my job.  Very few slaves among the trillions in the conquered universe would actually recognize my face.  I only need to be known and obeyed among the Torth.

I hope that answers your question.  Have a pleasant day.


A Congressman Lied

I realize this is not a big news flash, but I find this lying, shirtless, married, and pathetic politician to be amusing.

As a telepath, I can't lie, and this makes my job as a politician much more difficult--yet much more sincere--than that of Christopher Lee, Republican representative for New York.

I'm not surprised that a human male would troll craigslist for dates.  I am just a tad surprised that this U.S. Congressman used his real name and email address on craigslist.  That doesn't seem too bright.  And I'm a little more surprised that he told the woman that his shirtless photo was "the only photo he had around," and apparently expected her to believe him.

I wonder if he realizes that shirtless photos on craigslist are often considered creepy and in poor taste?  I wonder what sort of skanky women he's hooked up with in the past?  I wonder if he has STDs?  I wonder if his wife suspects?  I wonder why he admitted to having a child, yet lied about his age and marital status?  I wonder how many times he used his real name before a woman online actually researched him and then contacted a news media outlet?  Maybe he hoped they would confuse him with Christopher Lee, the actor.

Among my people, we expect politicians to uphold the values they espouse.  In fact, we hold our politicians to a higher standard than the common people.  The Torth Majority will have me tortured to death the minute they begin to doubt my interest in serving them.  Compete with that, U.S. representatives ... so-called servants of the people!!!


Tolerance for Extreme Extremists

The Westboro Baptist Church is in the news--again--this time to protest the victims of a U.S. army wife who shot her two children. 

A fringe minority like the Westboro Baptist Church could never form among my people.  Or rather, if it did form, it would keep its mouth shut and try to be invisible.  If it irritated more than half of our population, the Torth Majority would pass a new law ordering every member of the cult to be whipped, caned, and buried alive.  As the Commander of All Living Things, I would dispassionately do my civic duty and ensure that the law is enforced.

The Torth live by a simple yet elegant edict: Majority rules.  Our moral code and laws are chosen according to what the majority of our population wants.  Since we're mind readers, all of our votes are instantaneous.  No hyperbole, no double-speak, no hypocrisy, no lies.  Even the most powerful politician among us--that would be me, the Commander of All Living Things--must abide by the will of the Torth Majority.  I can't become a mad dictator.  The Majority would tear me down at the first hint of madness.  I assure you, I am perfectly, 100% sane, and a model citizen among my people.

I can't help but sneer at your pathetic Westboro Baptist Church and the general tolerance you show by fighting its weak little protests with weak little counter-protests.  Ha!